not knowing

I think one of my biggest fears is the unknown— not knowing. I hate it, I hate it so much. Not being in the possession of information or knowledge takes away a sense of control that for some reason I need. Even the smallest unknown details such as, the exact time of when friends want to hang out or anxiously awaiting the semester syllabi to come out, so that I can decorate and organize my life in my beloved planner, are details of my life I’m embarrassed to admit stress me out. I’m such a planner, so Type A it hurts. Just to give you an example, my favorite part of a new school year has always been buying a new planner. I would spend weeks looking, to the point where I drove my mom crazy. Another, is the fact that I wrote my college essay on my love for blank notebooks (yes, blank notebooks). I think I’m definitely going to regret admitting those, but oh well I guess. I would love to say that these two examples are just an outcome of excitement for the potential of the new events, experiences, and knowledge to come, but truthfully, it’s the exact opposite. These two examples are actually a way for me to cope with the loss of control I know comes with encountering new events, experiences, and knowledge. I love to say that I love to experience new things, but what I actually love is looking back at all of the newness after the fact, after it is no longer new, after I have already experienced it, after I am comfortable and know what I am doing; welcome to the irony that is my life.

I think all this stems from my innate nature to overthink every single little thing, like seriously everything. I wish I could call it a blessing, but most of the time it feels like a curse. I can and will take any fact, opinion, conversation, or experience and think through it until I’m pretty much spiraling down a rabbit hole. You wanna know why? It gives me a sense of, yup you guessed it, control over that fact, opinion, conversation, or experience.

But saying you don’t know, saying you’re not afraid to not know, doesn’t make you any less capable or intelligent; it actually allows you to open up and accept things about yourself, others, and your surroundings that you might have never seen before because you were so focused on controlling the situation. Giving up control does not make you weak. In a sense it provides strength because it gives you the opportunity to let go of all the rabbit hole thoughts telling you that you have to stay

in control in order to be accomplished, in order to maintain relationships, and in order to experience life.

Not having all the answers is a gift because it is a sign that you don’t have everything figured out. You don’t know all the answers because you’re still growing and learning; you don’t know who you fully are. Once you completely know yourself you become bored with life and there is no point of living in boredom.

The unknown is meant to be exciting and invigorating; it’s meant to be scary, but it gives life a purpose because if you knew everything there would be nothing left to learn, nothing left to experience.

Love,

Chloe Noel